So, these feelings are a reason NOT to act out. Not the other way around.
Showing posts with label sex addict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex addict. Show all posts
Monday, July 7, 2008
Craving
I acted out when? Last Tues/Wed. It's Monday now and my cravings or whateveryouwanttocallthem are pretty bad. Something just occured to me though. While a craving in the moment seems like a reason to act out--it's not. And here's why: Acting out would temporarily quell the feelings of desire I'm experiencing. But, in the longer term, it will only make them greater. Like pouring fuel on a fire. So acting out now, or today or tomorrow or this week would only make those desires more deeply ingrained in my consciousness. And the desires now would be that much more. Also, I would just be where I am now 5 days after whenever I acted out.
Sunday, May 20, 2007
The Divided Self
8:15am
I know that if I would have a routine spiritual morning program I would derive a lot of satisfaction and even enjoyment from it. Like in other parts of my life lately, I lack the motivation to do it. I committed to my therapist to do a daily morning program, but I haven’t been doing. Or at least not all of it. I’ve been pretty good about the journaling part but not so good about the meditation part. Yesterday I did some yoga, which was great. I could only spend about 20 minutes on it since I had to be out of the house unusually early but it was great. It was as if my body (or maybe mind) was craving it. It had been way too long. As I flowed through the postures, I listed to one of my spiritual teachers. His voice is so reassuring. Just hearing it provides an amazing comfort, like a child who wakes in the night and is held by his mother until he again falls asleep. Ok, generally analogies of spirituality compare it to waking up—true. But this one works for me. It reminds me of my own childhood.
Sometimes it’s recommended that prayer be done in the mood of a child crying out for her mother. I wish my meditation could be more in that mood. Prayer is always helpful for me but besides my meditation I do so little of it. That’s unfortunate because I find it so helpful. Often it’s easiest for me to write down my prayers. I find it helps me focus. It’s less easy for me to get distracted. It’s also less easy for me to fall into mechanical prayer. I think I can go deeper when I’m writing.
One of the meetings I attend has a writing component to it. I find that quite helpful. Before I moved here, none of the meetings I attended had that format. I like it. Recently I wrote:
The divided self. My therapist asked me an interesting question last session: What is the relationship between my two selves (the addict & the one who seeks health, growth & recovery)? I didn’t have an immediate answer. One thought I had then was how hard it is for one to relate to the other. Neither can really understand why the other would want to be like that, to do those things, to feel those feelings. Part of my recovering self feels a need to hide the addict. He’s careful who he lets in on that secret. He’s scared to talk about that other behavior fearing judgment, perhaps even abandonment or rejection. He’s interested in projecting a certain image to his friends and to his world. A part of him realizes that the more he expands that circle of friends who know the whole story, the better. They’ll be able to help. They’ll be compassionate & sympathetic.
The addict in me is a nefarious counterpart. He seeks gratification wherever he can get it. He gives very little consideration, including perhaps mostly, to the other part of me. But it’s not just me. His acts have real, negative consequences for others and whatever limitations he puts on himself often get pushed to aside to accommodate a new low. His integrity and honesty are slim to none.
In sharing at that meeting I had the realization that the more those two selves can integrate, the more I can see myself not as one perfect person and one horrible person but as one human being, flawed and imperfect, struggling to make progress, the more I begin to heal.
I know that if I would have a routine spiritual morning program I would derive a lot of satisfaction and even enjoyment from it. Like in other parts of my life lately, I lack the motivation to do it. I committed to my therapist to do a daily morning program, but I haven’t been doing. Or at least not all of it. I’ve been pretty good about the journaling part but not so good about the meditation part. Yesterday I did some yoga, which was great. I could only spend about 20 minutes on it since I had to be out of the house unusually early but it was great. It was as if my body (or maybe mind) was craving it. It had been way too long. As I flowed through the postures, I listed to one of my spiritual teachers. His voice is so reassuring. Just hearing it provides an amazing comfort, like a child who wakes in the night and is held by his mother until he again falls asleep. Ok, generally analogies of spirituality compare it to waking up—true. But this one works for me. It reminds me of my own childhood.
Sometimes it’s recommended that prayer be done in the mood of a child crying out for her mother. I wish my meditation could be more in that mood. Prayer is always helpful for me but besides my meditation I do so little of it. That’s unfortunate because I find it so helpful. Often it’s easiest for me to write down my prayers. I find it helps me focus. It’s less easy for me to get distracted. It’s also less easy for me to fall into mechanical prayer. I think I can go deeper when I’m writing.
One of the meetings I attend has a writing component to it. I find that quite helpful. Before I moved here, none of the meetings I attended had that format. I like it. Recently I wrote:
The divided self. My therapist asked me an interesting question last session: What is the relationship between my two selves (the addict & the one who seeks health, growth & recovery)? I didn’t have an immediate answer. One thought I had then was how hard it is for one to relate to the other. Neither can really understand why the other would want to be like that, to do those things, to feel those feelings. Part of my recovering self feels a need to hide the addict. He’s careful who he lets in on that secret. He’s scared to talk about that other behavior fearing judgment, perhaps even abandonment or rejection. He’s interested in projecting a certain image to his friends and to his world. A part of him realizes that the more he expands that circle of friends who know the whole story, the better. They’ll be able to help. They’ll be compassionate & sympathetic.
The addict in me is a nefarious counterpart. He seeks gratification wherever he can get it. He gives very little consideration, including perhaps mostly, to the other part of me. But it’s not just me. His acts have real, negative consequences for others and whatever limitations he puts on himself often get pushed to aside to accommodate a new low. His integrity and honesty are slim to none.
In sharing at that meeting I had the realization that the more those two selves can integrate, the more I can see myself not as one perfect person and one horrible person but as one human being, flawed and imperfect, struggling to make progress, the more I begin to heal.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Welcome
Welcome to ESH Marks the Spot. My name is ESH Man and I'm a sex addict.
ESH stands for Experience, Strength, and Hope. In general, I'm not a big fan of program slogans for all the same reasons I'm not a big fan of clichés. Nevertheless, like clichés the slogans tend to reflect deep, long known truths. Also, I needed a name.
Why Blog about Sex Addiction?
First, I hope to make the focus blog much wider than simply my addiction. Part of my recovery lately has been focusing on those things that remind me of the other parts of myself and my life. Still, for better or worse, addiction is a big part part of my life right now. So is recovery.
I don't have any grand ideas about what this blog will become. OK, maybe I do. In the back of my mind I do have some hope that this could be a tool for me and for others to use in our recovery. Perhaps it can also be of some use to those who know (or suspect they know) a sex addict in their lives. Maybe too it can be a tool for my sponsor and therapist to know a bit more about what's going on with me.
The truth is I woke up this morning and had the inspiration to do a blog with my addiction/recovery as the central theme. I hope it helps me. I hope it helps others.
For now I have the comments feature set to open. As long as they tend be helpful or genuinely inquisitive and don't serve to trigger me or others, I'll leave it that way.
Welcome.
ESH stands for Experience, Strength, and Hope. In general, I'm not a big fan of program slogans for all the same reasons I'm not a big fan of clichés. Nevertheless, like clichés the slogans tend to reflect deep, long known truths. Also, I needed a name.
Why Blog about Sex Addiction?
First, I hope to make the focus blog much wider than simply my addiction. Part of my recovery lately has been focusing on those things that remind me of the other parts of myself and my life. Still, for better or worse, addiction is a big part part of my life right now. So is recovery.
I don't have any grand ideas about what this blog will become. OK, maybe I do. In the back of my mind I do have some hope that this could be a tool for me and for others to use in our recovery. Perhaps it can also be of some use to those who know (or suspect they know) a sex addict in their lives. Maybe too it can be a tool for my sponsor and therapist to know a bit more about what's going on with me.
The truth is I woke up this morning and had the inspiration to do a blog with my addiction/recovery as the central theme. I hope it helps me. I hope it helps others.
For now I have the comments feature set to open. As long as they tend be helpful or genuinely inquisitive and don't serve to trigger me or others, I'll leave it that way.
Welcome.
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