Craving

I acted out when? Last Tues/Wed. It's Monday now and my cravings or whateveryouwanttocallthem are pretty bad. Something just occured to me though. While a craving in the moment seems like a reason to act out--it's not. And here's why: Acting out would temporarily quell the feelings of desire I'm experiencing. But, in the longer term, it will only make them greater. Like pouring fuel on a fire. So acting out now, or today or tomorrow or this week would only make those desires more deeply ingrained in my consciousness. And the desires now would be that much more. Also, I would just be where I am now 5 days after whenever I acted out.

So, these feelings are a reason NOT to act out. Not the other way around.

I Want To Act Out

10:02am

I don't want to write this morning. Nor do I want to meditate or chant or swim or go for a walk or read recovery literature or read anything spiritual. I want to act out. I want to get on one of my favorite websites and cruise other people's profiles and hope they "match" with me. I want to be wanted. I want the comforting feelings that come along with masturbating. I want the release of an orgasm.

These desires are a part of me. When I'm in the head of addiction, it's the only part of me that I can access. There are actions I can take to get out of that head but the irony is that I don't want to when I'm already there. That's why my choices are so important. By the time I get here, it's usually too late.

Up till I got back from my recent trip, I was enjoying a little bit of sobriety that lasted a couple of weeks. It felt good. My therapist used the word buzzkill to describe my addiction. The word struck me. My natural tendency is often to think of reality and recovery as the buzzkill. It's as if engaging in healthy behavior was ruining the excitement of my addiction. That's not entirely untrue of course, but the cost-benefit analysis just doesn't add up. When I'm sober and healthy the concomitant feelings and attitudes far outweigh the so-called comfort that masturbation or chat rooms have ever provided. I know this but unless I've got the momentum of sobriety on my side, it's so hard to choose satisfaction (the long-term enjoyment) over the pop of sexual hits.

I'm not sure how this chapter is going to end today. My girlfriend will wake up anytime and so window for acting out this morning is about to close. Kudos to me for journaling now instead of acting out. There will be an opportunity later probably but maybe I can make a phone call (or calls), get to the pool for a swim, do my yoga or use some other tool to get me out of this head and into a healthy one.

The Divided Self

8:15am
I know that if I would have a routine spiritual morning program I would derive a lot of satisfaction and even enjoyment from it. Like in other parts of my life lately, I lack the motivation to do it. I committed to my therapist to do a daily morning program, but I haven’t been doing. Or at least not all of it. I’ve been pretty good about the journaling part but not so good about the meditation part. Yesterday I did some yoga, which was great. I could only spend about 20 minutes on it since I had to be out of the house unusually early but it was great. It was as if my body (or maybe mind) was craving it. It had been way too long. As I flowed through the postures, I listed to one of my spiritual teachers. His voice is so reassuring. Just hearing it provides an amazing comfort, like a child who wakes in the night and is held by his mother until he again falls asleep. Ok, generally analogies of spirituality compare it to waking up—true. But this one works for me. It reminds me of my own childhood.

Sometimes it’s recommended that prayer be done in the mood of a child crying out for her mother. I wish my meditation could be more in that mood. Prayer is always helpful for me but besides my meditation I do so little of it. That’s unfortunate because I find it so helpful. Often it’s easiest for me to write down my prayers. I find it helps me focus. It’s less easy for me to get distracted. It’s also less easy for me to fall into mechanical prayer. I think I can go deeper when I’m writing.

One of the meetings I attend has a writing component to it. I find that quite helpful. Before I moved here, none of the meetings I attended had that format. I like it. Recently I wrote:

The divided self. My therapist asked me an interesting question last session: What is the relationship between my two selves (the addict & the one who seeks health, growth & recovery)? I didn’t have an immediate answer. One thought I had then was how hard it is for one to relate to the other. Neither can really understand why the other would want to be like that, to do those things, to feel those feelings. Part of my recovering self feels a need to hide the addict. He’s careful who he lets in on that secret. He’s scared to talk about that other behavior fearing judgment, perhaps even abandonment or rejection. He’s interested in projecting a certain image to his friends and to his world. A part of him realizes that the more he expands that circle of friends who know the whole story, the better. They’ll be able to help. They’ll be compassionate & sympathetic.

The addict in me is a nefarious counterpart. He seeks gratification wherever he can get it. He gives very little consideration, including perhaps mostly, to the other part of me. But it’s not just me. His acts have real, negative consequences for others and whatever limitations he puts on himself often get pushed to aside to accommodate a new low. His integrity and honesty are slim to none.

In sharing at that meeting I had the realization that the more those two selves can integrate, the more I can see myself not as one perfect person and one horrible person but as one human being, flawed and imperfect, struggling to make progress, the more I begin to heal.