Wllingness

8:46am
I sent a sobriety plan to my sponsor last night. So far, so good. I woke up and did my yoga. Now I’m journaling (um, obviously). The next thing on the agenda is to do my meditation. Also, my girlfriend leaves in 45 minutes. Part of my plan is to put my laptop in her car while she’s away. Since being alone with unstructured time and a computer is a risk for me, the idea is to reduce that risk. We talked about it last week, I think, but I’ve yet to actually do it.

For me, it comes down to willingness. The idea from AA that, “If you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it, then you are ready to take certain steps.” This refers to the 12 steps, but I also take it to mean in my recovery. From the green book of SAA, “we need to be willing to do whatever it takes to get sexually abstinent, and to stay abstinent.”

Am I willing? Sometimes. I wish I had a more robust response. Sometimes I’m so sick of being an addict, so tired of wasting my time and impairing my life that I just want to do whatever it is I need to do to get well. And stay well. I hunger, I thirst for sobriety. I know how good life can be when I’m sober. I know how things just seem to fall into place for me when I’m sober. There are times when I crave sobriety. Unfortunately, this yearning for a healthy life is fleeting. As I recently told my sponsor, you know, I don’t feel like acting out but this too shall pass. That’s why it’s so important that I put these kinds of safeguards in place. And as important as I know these kinds of things are, I’m nevertheless often unwilling to do them.

I don’t like restriction or control or schedules or commitments or plans or supervision. I want to be unfettered and free. The undeniable truth of the matter is that I’m not going to get free by allowing whatever indulgence my whim deems appropriate. Sadly, freedom for me will only come when I put certain boundaries in place that allow me to do what the best part of me knows is the right thing. This in Sanskrit terminology is the difference between buddhi or intelligence and manah or mind. The intelligence acts based on rationality and allegiance to higher principles. The mind hovers on the platform of desire, accepting or rejecting whatever seems to accommodate its current impulse.

I just went downstairs and told my girlfriend that I was going to let her take my computer with her when she left. It was a bit hard. There was some fear there. I think I fear taking steps toward recovery and giving up control. I also fear letting her in on the inner workings of my secrets and addictions. The more she knows, the less I’ll be able to act out. But I did it. Now I can focus on my meditation and doing something healthy.