Two Worlds

I had 5 months of sobriety and then ¡poof! it was gone. It’s not that I didn’t gain from that. I gained a lot. One of the most important take-aways of that period was the fact that I can do it, it is possible. I also benefited from the inherent productivity and deep-seated satisfaction that comes with it. I got to experience the cumulative effects of (relatively) long-term sobriety and the sense of peace and, yes, serenity.

But now it’s gone. The sobriety, that is. I’m still not really where I was before those 5 months. There are parts of my life that seem to be gaining a cogency and sense of continuity. For that, I’m grateful. On the other hand, these last couple of months I’ve been acting out on a regular basis and, true to form, it’s gone to new depths. In a different way, I’m once again standing with my feet in two boats. One of my feet rests on the boat of mammon, the other in that of health, recovery, and spirituality. And it’s hard to make a leap.

I consider myself fortunate in that I don’t seriously want to give myself over to “the dark side,” but I’m also not foolish or oblivious enough to think that the bad habits of addiction don’t gradually gain a foothold. As the saying goes:

Sow a thought,
Reap an action.

Sow an action,
Reap a habit.

Sow a habit,
Reap a character.

Sow a character,
Reap a destiny.

Orsomethinglikethat. The point is one thing leads to another. I’ve seen it happen.


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Craving

I acted out when? Last Tues/Wed. It's Monday now and my cravings or whateveryouwanttocallthem are pretty bad. Something just occured to me though. While a craving in the moment seems like a reason to act out--it's not. And here's why: Acting out would temporarily quell the feelings of desire I'm experiencing. But, in the longer term, it will only make them greater. Like pouring fuel on a fire. So acting out now, or today or tomorrow or this week would only make those desires more deeply ingrained in my consciousness. And the desires now would be that much more. Also, I would just be where I am now 5 days after whenever I acted out.

So, these feelings are a reason NOT to act out. Not the other way around.