I Want To Act Out

10:02am

I don't want to write this morning. Nor do I want to meditate or chant or swim or go for a walk or read recovery literature or read anything spiritual. I want to act out. I want to get on one of my favorite websites and cruise other people's profiles and hope they "match" with me. I want to be wanted. I want the comforting feelings that come along with masturbating. I want the release of an orgasm.

These desires are a part of me. When I'm in the head of addiction, it's the only part of me that I can access. There are actions I can take to get out of that head but the irony is that I don't want to when I'm already there. That's why my choices are so important. By the time I get here, it's usually too late.

Up till I got back from my recent trip, I was enjoying a little bit of sobriety that lasted a couple of weeks. It felt good. My therapist used the word buzzkill to describe my addiction. The word struck me. My natural tendency is often to think of reality and recovery as the buzzkill. It's as if engaging in healthy behavior was ruining the excitement of my addiction. That's not entirely untrue of course, but the cost-benefit analysis just doesn't add up. When I'm sober and healthy the concomitant feelings and attitudes far outweigh the so-called comfort that masturbation or chat rooms have ever provided. I know this but unless I've got the momentum of sobriety on my side, it's so hard to choose satisfaction (the long-term enjoyment) over the pop of sexual hits.

I'm not sure how this chapter is going to end today. My girlfriend will wake up anytime and so window for acting out this morning is about to close. Kudos to me for journaling now instead of acting out. There will be an opportunity later probably but maybe I can make a phone call (or calls), get to the pool for a swim, do my yoga or use some other tool to get me out of this head and into a healthy one.